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I've been the nastiest one since birth

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[Thursday|May 31st '12|6.40am]
So here I am.

I'm 24. I never thought I would ever get here. I always thought I'd end up shooting myself off a cliff, like some kind of fucked up Wiley E. Coyote. See, I had a few things wrong with me that were really fucked up.

I had sleep apnea for years. Until this year, I had only been able to sleep a maximum of 5 hours and I was waking up about every fifteen minutes and falling back asleep immediately because I was choking. This doesn't make for a very happy or even sane person. Besides the fact that when you're a kid/teen/whatever, your stupid social problems seem highly indicative of life in the future, I would let myself get caught up in weird emotional issues because I was already tired and grumpy to begin with (which felt so familiar, I had no idea anything was wrong).

I used to feel so sad all the time, whether I had a reason or not. Like something was forever wrong and would never solve itself. I gained many poor, self destructive habits trying to numb this.

There's a scene in The Sopranos with Tony talking to Dr. M. about always having to be "the sad clown", laughing on the outside but depressed internally. That was so me. I think about certain journal entries and my real life encounters: completely different people. In person, I would always try to be this weird funny guy but online at times, I was like a goddamn black hole o' suffering.

I am only barely getting over having drink so much caffeine to stay awake for so many years.I will most likely have some kind of liver failure from red bull alone. I would do anything and everything to kill that lethargy, I never questioned it. Sigh.

I had a lot of dreams and good ideas I couldn't focus on. I could map out success but never follow through. I'm only now starting to make music I really care about.

Over time, I lost the ability to enjoy reading. Trying to read more than 2-4 pages of a book (like an eight point font) is DRAINING. Trying to listen to someone speak for an extended amount of time: EXHAUSTING.

These things are slowly getting better with time. I got surgery to open up my right nasal passage. I sleep 8 hours at night and I feel so good in the morning. I feel more motivated and just...happy. I fix computer problems as my main job but I'm also a background on a not good show that people watch.

I still have issues with paying attention but I think I'm a lot less...shitty.

Oh well.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

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[Monday|Jul 20th '09|5.48am]
I can't sleep.

this situation with my uncle bothers me so much. you see, in discussions with my mother as well as simply being realistic:

-in the weeks before his disappearance, he had mentioned he felt someone was following him
-that part of my family has always been involved in selling coke
-numerous kidnappings and disappearances have been found later, but very much to the finder's... displeasure, most believed to be Cartel related
-my mother's brother was shot 3 times in the stomach and lungs with hollow point bullets by an affiliate of the mexican mafia, dying a very short time later 11 years ago
-people who I'm told have been in contact with the cartel are saying "he might have gotten into some trouble or something" (roughly translated), my mother and my aunt (as in, his wife) believe they know his status and present whereabouts but don't have any proof.

I feel so fucked up about this. I've been not trying not think about it, telling myself "oh he ran off with some woman probably". He was kidnapped on his son's birthday. My 9 year old cousin is asking "where's my dad? he said he was gonna get me a dog". I can feel my stomach turning itself like some kind of indy 500 washer and dryer.

My mom says shes hopeful and will continue to be but the truth is, "these people don't kidnap people and let them go".

I can't do anything about it. Nobody else can either. My uncle is probably dead, and for our capabilities to make even a shred of this fucked up story right, we might as well be, too.

[Sunday|Jul 19th '09|10.38am]
oh and my uncle's been kidnapped, presumably by the mexican mafia.

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[Saturday|Jul 18th '09|7.58pm]


-live in santa monica
-I changed my major to computer science. though I have to start over cuz I've only taken art classes, I'm fine with it because it's way more likely to put me in a position of changing the world (eventually, sheesh)
-I am about to go to new york city for the first time in my life. I have always always always wanted to go. I am so excited I might...pee a little when reminded of the fact in any setting...okay not but I'm super fucking down.
-I just pwned some bitch via e-mail because she was trying to preach to me about adopting a dog rather than breeding. I've adopted all of my animals, why can't I share the joy of parenthood with a cute dog? I made a craigslist post about breeding Giuseppe, and this bitch e-mailed me telling me not to. She told me I don't care about the dog and that all I care about is the money I would get from selling the puppies, even though I stated that I have no intention of selling any of the puppies (fuck that, I'm raisin a family!)
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[Thursday|Apr 30th '09|7.06pm]
my aunt has swine flu.

what the fuck
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[Sunday|Apr 26th '09|4.55am]
I hate losing contact with people but I do it all the time because I forget about shit and get busy.

you learn how good a friend you are or were to someone by their reaction to you after a long time of not seeing or speaking to each other. I guess that also depends on whether or not what they do with their life (socially and beyondddd) is relevant in anyway to you.

For some ODD reason, when you talk to girls you haven't talked to in a long time (as a dude), they assume you've become desperate and want to have nasty been a long time, shouldn'a left you sex with them. I guess this probably happens a great deal because of the internet and creepy dudes who can't turn their dick off.

damn...some people totally ruin it for everyone.

also, on a side note but certain to be filed in the same area: I really hate when I find I'm not as good friends as I thought I was with people. I mean, I like knowing because then I know to stop being as nice because it's weird and not really that welcome. It's the initial discovery that is the worst. It's almost kind of painful, like you stepped on something sharp, but instead of crying out in pain, you fall silent with hurt. Not that I'm talking about anyone in particular (that shit is lame, specifying one person in some obscure livejournal entry is lame), I was just thinking about past experiences.


lately, I've been making a bunch of digital collages out of my pictures and found pictures for class. They're not really that good but I do like one of them:

Read more...Collapse )
this one

Lately, I wanna drop everything art related and major in computer engineering. The problem is, I think I would have terrible topics for conversation after a while (which implies so much more).

it's almost 5 in the morning, I am supposed to have lunch/breakfast/some shit with my parents in a few hours.

edit: I'm sure you've seen it somewhere. Bea Arthur died yesterday. I watched the golden girls a lot, even up til last year. She was the right actor for her roles and I respected her for that.

g'night bea

growing up sucks.
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lotol [Friday|Apr 3rd '09|1.30pm]
[ mood | bbq dreamz ]

I realized the other day that I could never be a professional chef of any sorts because I absolutely hate cooking for people who I dislike. Just seeing someone who displeases me eating something I made is enough to make me lose my appetite in some kind of stupid annoyance. I mean, I never do or say anything about it because I would look so fucking stupid demanding that they throw away whats on the plate, spit out what's in their mouth, and regurgitate whatever went down already.

Even worse is how elitist it doesn't make me feel. I don't think what I cook is something that could hold a conference in the king's court, so it's not a matter of claiming someone isn't worthy to eat a dish, because of what dish it is.

I think it comes from this:

The most gratifying part of cooking for people are any words of encouragement, even a thank you. It's a sign of a job (or a burger) well done. It makes me feel validated for all the hard work I put into preparing and cooking, especially when it's getting closer to the end of the night and all you wanna do is sit down and not smell like food. It's almost like (no jesus homo) I'm putting a piece of myself out there.

I think the last thing I want is some goober cockface putting "me" in his or her mouth.

I dunno, I'm probably being stupid. Another bbq soon, with mini burgers, my fucking awesome guacamole that is better than allie's (YOU GAY, ALLIE, YOU CAN'T ROCK IT), a homemade bbq sauce (A LA LUKE), and veggie fajitas for vegetarian folk (PEOPLE MADE OF VEGETABLES).


also this is the best doom beat ever. it's the instrumental from a track he does with hell razah and talib kweli as viktor vaughn. I'm going to play it as loud as I can at the bbq, and somebody better be dancing with me.

yes homo.

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[Monday|Mar 16th '09|6.27pm]

actual species confusion.

I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to be 21 in less than 2 months. I can't believe someone hasn't killed me yet.
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[Friday|Feb 27th '09|5.52pm]
I think my biggest pet peeve is when a group of people going to a thai restaurant and all of them order pad thai

in fact, I think I just dislike whenever anyone order pad thai because it's so easy. it's the same thing with chicken burritos. you know the whitest guy is going to go into a mexican place and order a chicken burrito (AND THEY ALWAYS ASK FOR RICE AND BEANS, LIKE IT'S GODDAMN EL POLLO LOCO)

it's so silly, too, because if ordering this stuff was wrong, it wouldn't be on the menu. I guess I'm just silently dying inside whenever "pad thai" or "chicken burrito" happens.

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kyzel [Tuesday|Feb 24th '09|11.03pm]
there are some days when I just wanna talk about complete nonsense, and those are always the hardest days

cuz no one is trying to hear that shit.

Recently, it's been discovered that my pitbull, Pirate, has 2 tumors in his legs and 2 in his stomach. It is still being determined whether or not they are malignant/benign. What the fuck. I just lost my cat, now my dog? My other dog, Tino the Basset Hound, would be so depressed without him! I would also be depressed because he's my buddy and I've had him since he was tiny but I'm sure the only thing deeper than a good human/dog friendship is a good dog/dog friendship. He already looks sad enough, I don't want him to actually feel it.

I didn't sign up for this shit.

otherwise I am okay. School just started and it's going to be easy/awesome. My printing and art history teachers are really polite older folks. My art theory (like new genres, not that other thing) teacher IS Janice Soprano.

she told us bringing food for the whole class was optional. I'm pretty sure I can just fatty my way to a good grade, besides turning in interpretive dances as metaphors for something really stupid as an assignment. I'd just have to wait until people drop out. People love to eat FO FRAY rather than paying/bronating so fuck cooking for the 20 other probably ungrateful people in my class.

I guess it might be too early to really say something like that but everyone seems like such bullshit. This girl was like, "I love art!", and the teacher was like, "what kind?", and she's like "DANCING!"

I mean, yeah, dancing and being able to dance well is an art form

but come on. you don't say "OWWWWW" when you're hungry, right? wrong
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[Wednesday|Feb 11th '09|2.48pm]

my new favorite animal is the vampire squid
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[Monday|Feb 9th '09|8.32pm]

does anyone have this? I really wanna see!
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virdle [Friday|Feb 6th '09|12.28am]
on sunday, my cat (who lives at my parents' house) experienced kidney failure, being left at the vet's office to be pumped full of fluids and medicated. his condition worsened steadily, finally leading to a seizure as a result of the toxins that shut down his kidneys spreading to his brain. On Tuesday, they put him down.

he wasn't around the people he cared about, he had no idea who he was, and he was absolutely miserable. I kind of loathe myself at the moment for not being there for him. I still can't believe he's dead or that I'm talking about him in the past tense. I'm hoping and dreaming that my family is playing the meanest cruelest most disgusting joke on me and that I am the biggest ass in the universe. I would laugh, no, I would be screaming hilarity at the top of my lungs if I could sit and lounge around with nothing on the agenda but hanging out with my cat just one more time. Because I never saw him much after I moved away, I probably deserve every bit of sadness I feel about it.

I got him when he was a more developed kitten, matching my age at the time 7 years old. He was always more than my pet, he was as good of a friend as a cat could ever be and I will miss him.

there's a quote from chrono trigger than I would use if I were to do a Eulogy about him (did I just do one?), and I will leave you with it:

"this creature sleeps beyond the flow of time..."

um sorry if this is stupid and that the picture is too big.
11 comments|post comment

[Thursday|Jan 29th '09|3.26pm]

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[Wednesday|Jan 28th '09|12.18pm]
two things:

makes me laugh



is totally awesome.

also my sleepy hip hop album made such progress two days ago. I'll totally post it when it's done for whomever actually would care enough to listen! okay then goodnight
1 comment|post comment

[Tuesday|Jan 13th '09|11.24am]
I'm excited about 3 things i've downloaded:

photoshop CS4

Windows 7




I dunno about CS4 but I heard it's a little better? I don't really have to upgrade but fuck it.

Windows 7 looks a billion times better than XP. It's SO FUCKING much faster. The OS uses way less CPU and has a better time being compatible to older programs (so I can finally use ZNES again, and some wireless internet hacking programs I got). The layout is about the same (kinda jocking Mac's OS X layout, with a touch of linux). Also, linux users says it's faster than linux.


and c'mon, GTA IV! I've been wanting to play it for so long but fuck buying a PS3. I'm buying another USB controller for PC (in the shape of a playstation controller, of course). It looks so tight and I guess the PC version has more features than the console version (same with fallout 3, btw).

also today I took the biggest poo I've ever taken in my life. My butthole hurts so I'm gonna lay down now
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[Saturday|Jan 10th '09|4.51pm]

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[Friday|Jan 9th '09|9.01pm]
I will be taking a new musical moniker, "Sugar Woman I" (pronounced one). I won't explain why but if you figure it out, a cookie will be yours.

lessee...I dunno. I got 100 dollars for christmas, heh. I know that's like absolutely nothing in comparison to everyone else's christmas but considering I wasn't really expecting anything this year, twas nice. I'm not even a christian!

this is pretty neat:


considering I'm goin vegetarian for a bit, this would make different variations of veggie burgers very possible.

I dunno, I thought it was tight.

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[Sunday|Dec 28th '08|1.29am]

I totally forgot how perfect this song is. This clip is from a movie called "Get Yourself a College Girl".

Everything about this video is tight as fuck, from the modest looking band to the snow outside. I also didn't know Astrid was so...mmmmmmm I need a time machine that goes "ahhhhh".

I got no sleep last night from a mariachi band playing across the street until 3am. I slept in til sometime, woke up, then slept some more. My cousin had her Quinceañera today. She's always been the coolest one out of that whole family. Her parents and siblings have always been extremely judgmental towards her, which I think is a reflection of their own insecurities. She's learned to laugh about it.

also I found out she smokes weed, which explains a lot. I'm gonna blaze with her tomorrow. Also because no one in mexico gives a fuck, she owns a vespa. I'm gonna ride on the back and take pictures, GTA 3/4 drive-by style, before I leave in the early afternoon on monday.

Also there's this girl who my whole family wants me to get with (the ones who don't wanna get with her already, that is). They think there's sparks flying because we danced together at one of their functions. It's fucking sad how close-minded and sexist they can be sometimes.

I took a buncha pictures, I dunno. fauxtography.

also, I've been making a list of things that really bother me. You'll either love or hate it and go "ahhhhhh"

left 4 dead is A+, I got da whole game.
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fhardis [Friday|Dec 26th '08|9.33am]
I went to mexico and will be here until the 30th. While I was on the airplane, we were flying above really thick overcast. It was like we were going to land on them because of how infinitely they stretched out, coupled with how thick it was. I've slept a few hours.

I managed to sneak weed over and my parents even got me my own hotel room, however, for some odd reason, a great deal of the mexican federal police are also staying in the building. I'm gone get arrested!

I think the best song right now is "Ceremony". If I could whistle, I would whistle it.

Something totally mindblowing in comparison to Los Angeles weather would be temperature here. The climate is generally hot and humid, with december being the "coldest" month of the year. I was here for a few hours then I got all sticky.

Being here makes me sad, because of how poverty stricken everyone is. There are honestly huts and shacks on the side of the road where people run outdoor restaurants and sleep. Also my cousins who all had so much potential years ago, now they're just pregnant or already mothers of two. They're only a little older than me.

man, I can't wait to get the hell home
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